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Nope, this isn't the kind of motivational stuff you'll usually read from me.
I couldn't find the power to motivate myself today. Nor yesterday, or the day before.

The truth is; I'm doing badly. Very badly.
As some of you know I've already been having serious health problems for a while.

It all started in the first week of January, with a car crash. Another car hit mine from behind on the highway. My car was totally damaged and I was taken to the hospital for a checkup because my neck felt a bit weird. Initially everything was fine, I thought. The test proved no bones where broken. The insurance company paid up for my car (luckily -- it was very expensive). And I was allowed to go home. I did feel sick for the first few days after the accident, but I thought of it as stress, took a few aspirins, and went back to work the next Monday after that.
The first days at work were horrible. My head hurts, I felt dizzy and had a hard time focusing on my work. But again; I thought it was just stress and went on. When I kept being tired (sleeping for 12+ hours a day) and the strange feeling in my head stayed, I went to the doctor again. He told me such a thing was pretty much normal after a car accident and it would go away by itself in 3 months.

So I waited for about 3 months... and that was basically when the migraine attacks kicked in. 
The first attack was 3 days. They would come at intervals. So I would have a few good weeks before another attack. But the attacks would keep getting longer and the intervals shorter. So eventually I had attacks that lasted 2 weeks and then had 2 weeks to recover again before the next sequence. 

I went to the doctor again. Told the whole story. Told him to do something, and got redirected to the rehabilitation at the hospital.
I had an appointment with the doctor there, that could basically explain most of my symptoms, including the migraines. As it seems now, I had a serious concussion after the accident, and it wasn't such a smart idea to go back immediately and work 8 hours straight. The doctors at the hospital apparently knew so. So why they send me back home without telling me that..? I haven't got the faintest clue. 
The end of story was that there was a rehabilitation treatment, and that it would help. I was already glad there was such a thing, since I'd already tried a lot of other stuff. It would even be covered by my insurance (thank god, I pay so much already!!!). But the problem was; it takes a while because there's a waiting line. And that's basically what I'm currently doing. Waiting. My whole life feels like it's put on hold.

I've been on that queue since last April, and I'm still waiting for a treatment.
After one of the later migraine attacks, I stopped working full time. My body was so tired that I couldn't handle 40 hours a week anymore. I'm now at 15, when not having migraine. I tried several medication to suppress the migraine attacks. So many that I already forgot the names (who thinks up those horrible names anyway). The first 2 didn't affect me at all. The 3rd made me rush to emergency post since my blood pressure dropped to far due to side effects. And the one I'm currently taking has serious side effects but at least seems to chop 3 to 4 days of from my 2-week attack sequence... so I'm keeping with that one.

It's been half a year since the accident now. And to be honest; I'm getting desperate.
I can't understand how one can live in a welfare country, be good law-abiding citizen, have a decent health insurance... and still there's nobody that even remotely tries to help or speed things up. I've called the hospital again this morning. It took me 2 attempts and 45 minutes of pure bureaucracy to find out that they still don't know how long it's gonna take, and I wonder if they could even remotely care. Because it's summer and people have holidays and whatnot -- seriously... f*ck them! I'm pretty much done with trying to understand their situation all the time when they don't even try to understand mine.
I've asked my health insurance to check out other hospitals. Turns out all hospitals in my environments have such waiting lines for those treatments. Asked health and safety officer from my work (I assume they want me up and running a.s.a.p.) but he didn't have any options either. I've already taken many routes, but there isn't a single one that leads to faster treatment (probably unless you throw a million or two at them).

As for art; I feel pretty much uninspired lately.

I don't know if it's the attacks, the medication, or the fatigue that comes with them... but I don't feel like creating that much. I usually enjoy to do digital art, but I can't lately even bother to get up and look at the screen because it feels like it's burning my eyes. My mind is a like a sieve lately. I'm forgetting everything. And that doesn't make it that fun to learn new things and to experiment -- I already have a hard time remembering what I ate yesterday. The art events I usually go to are pretty much out of the question. I'm too tired to travel. It's even worse than I thought, considering the last convention took me out for 3 days, and I didn't quite expect that. So for those that wonder if I'll be at any upcoming conventions; no, I won't.

It's hard to see people surpass you on every front... and I sure see all kinds of people surpassing me lately. People that get really good at art, get features, DD's, fame --you name it. And while I realize they got there fair and square with hard work and determination, it's pretty much frustrating for me. Because I feel like I've been working my ass off lately, but I'm barely able to keep myself standing as bad luck pretty much slaps me in the face all the time.

People tell me to keep positive.
Well, believe me. Even the most optimistic person is gonna have a hard time staying positive when it's life is just reduced to sequences of crippling headaches, and senseless waiting of the bureaucracy of the medical world. Or at least; I have. I'm done with it.

I realize it's kinda ironic that the writer of the usually motivating journals can't motivate herself. But so be it.
And if you want to draw a wise lesson from this anyway; don't try this at home.
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Mistanesce Featured By Owner Edited Oct 15, 2014   Traditional Artist
I realize you posted this a while ago, but I do have a suggestion if you get desperate. I realize your issues are totally different from my many health issues I've had in the past (eczema to the point I had bloodly feet unless I took meds, dairy intolerance that kept me up 24 hours straight with horrible cramps, animal allergies and lots of other issues), but I found a doctor in NY that you call over Skype and she's cured me of all my issues to-date. I've only been using her methods for a year now and I'm almost completely healed.

I feel very sorry for you and your condition, so I'm only posting this because it's worked for me. Here's her website: and you can read her story here: if you want to get a basic idea of what all she can treat. I realize you're not in the US, but because you can be anywhere in the world to get her consults since it's over Skype. The first one is free so you can ask her all the questions you need to before starting the treatment and so you're able to find out if she's able to treat you.

I wish you the best! :)
xXMisery66xX Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm so sorry, and hospitals can be dicks. Trust me I have a screwed up pinkie and two knees thanks to some "rehabilitation".
AbstractHolly Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2014
I really hope you can get better soon. I have suffered from migraines and they are horrible. To have one for more than a week must be unbearable, and all health places are often closed to most people, I have severe anxiety and they would not even help me, so I really feel for you. Sometimes simple things can help you get through it though, so look out for things you may want to do that will not hurt. 
fai-kwan Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014
Please be okay, I enjoy reading your diaries and if anything happens to you my heart will probably grow a lot colder than it already is.
Please be okay...
AlluundraTechGoddess Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Believe it or not I understand completely. I have suffered from Migraines my entire life. When you are in that much pain it is physically and emotionally wearing. The medicine changes I know too well as I was on one that also dropped my blood pressure too low. Had an eye exam to see if certain nerves were inflamed or abnormal to see if either my brain had a tumor or thought it had one causing a surplus of fluid to build up. No, I do not. I also suffer from hyper-sensitivity which means I can hear a pin drop in a crowd, lights are brighter than normal and taste is overwhelming causing me to gag. Add to that spinal damage and degenerative disk disease and it is a recipe of pain and misery. Positivity has never been a strong suit for me, but realism has. I have developed a rather morbid sense of humor. For example having to stick my finger in my childs mouth to move his tongue for a swallow study I turned to the nurses and said "Well if he bites my finger off I am already at the hospital" There is no words, gestures or comfort from people because they don't get it. They don't understand the pain of seeing yourself decay in ways that only you know of. The can't perceive that while others are getting better, your pain and suffering is causing you to fall further from your prior status of talent and it is hard to watch someone else do what you were capable of and accomplished. It is hard to go backwards and have to hit bottom and yet the fall doesn't stop. The hope of relief the thoughts of not hurting anymore. I get it. That is where I am. I find little inspiration and more reasons to sink further when I look for it. I too went offline. Quit going anywhere and basically became immobile. What helped the most was spending 20 minutes outside. Yes I just sat on the porch in the back where noone could see me or my suffering but I was outside. I did not feel or see the top of my tiny box filled with misery. I truly hope you get treatment and I hope that both of our waiting lists shorten soon.
PainterKitten Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I am sorry, I hope you are feeling better soon
Sk8tcher Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014
Have you tried something called bio-freeze? Peppermint lotion or oils? I hope this is any help to you. I wish you well and happier days. 
Freddy521 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Student Writer
Is this in america. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT OBAMACARE WAS FOR! feeling sorry for you. would donate, but i gave my two points to someone else.
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I live in the Netherlands
Freddy521 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Student Writer
Oh. Any free healthcare?
Leafeo Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry to hear about this... I hope you get better very, very soon! <3
cocoaberi Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"The people were franticly yelling at a man obviously trying to stay a float in the water.   The water was too shallow for the boat to come any closer to save him.  A young woman threw him a life saver with in arms reach.  'Grab it!!" she yelled but the man shook his head no and did not grab it.  The others on the boat yelled at him and screamed, "Just grab the thing it's right in front of you!!"  An old man then jumped in the water, tied a rope around his waist and had the boat dwellers  pull the drowning man to the safety of the dry deck--it was then that the people could see, he did not "grab it" because he had no arms."

Sounds silly I know...but this popped in my head when I read your story.  You may not have much or any strength in you right now, but I do pray someone will help you get where you need to be and that your pain and suffering will cease.  Sometimes...our strength has to come from a stronger source than ourselves.  

AND...I know you feel that others are surpassing you, it's easy to feel that when you feel that your standing still and everyone is moving around you.  In my small opinion they are not surpassing you...they are simply coming into their own potential, just as you have and will continue to do so.    as far as DD's and Features and Fame...I'm sure it's a wonderful thing, but you have something so much more--you have people who think your brilliant and witty and soulful and very talented/skilled.  You have admirers, who keep loveing your art and reading your articles because you touch something deep in us that we ourselves ( at least me) can't express.   As far as I'm concerned, your lengendary...and as gushy as that may sound I mean it!!

Ok, now that I've wrote a novel will stop.  I really hope you feel better real soon....
shyanne-skye Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
AW! I hope that everything gets better soon. :( I really hope you can get back to being optimistic again. :)
vexnir Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope you'll be better soon. :hug:

I know this won't probably cheer you up much, but I feel you on the whole waiting for treatment thing. It's even more ridiculous here. People can wait 10 years or more for a surgery. A simple dentist appointment has me wait for it for 4 months, and I need my tooth removed or I might have some problems later on. My dear grandpa who had serious health problems had to wait for his surgery and passed away 2 months before it.

Hopefully, you can get to it soon, at least I bet it's better than here (I've had a friend in the Netherlands, and the healthcare seemed to be better from what he had told me.) Best of luck, Mikaz! I am cheering for you. :huggle:
MikeYeager Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The only people surpassing each other are the ones that are in it for the competition, draw for you and what you love. I wondered if you had a concussion after reading no broken bones, the docs didn't test for it!? Grump Anyway, might be late but, hope you're feeling better by now. Try some bedtime sleepy tea at night, might help. :) (Smile) I've been struggling with some mental illness and let me tell you this crap can really take a toll on artists inspiration but, don't sweat it, something pretty incredible happened to my work after my fallout and I think the same can happen to anybody so, keep on keepin' on. CURSE YOU!
Cardiologist Featured By Owner Edited Oct 2, 2014  Student Filmographer
have you tried topamax for the migraines? i've been plagued with them most of my life (had them so bad i had a migraine every day for three years straight). it makes you a tad loopy and your fingers and toes (sometimes arms/legs) will tingle and go numb but the migraines will go away. just dont stay on it for too long and dont cut it cold turkey as it has serious effects if you do. there are also 'trigger foods' this includes all sorts of things like pizza, olives, anything with msg and waaaaaay more. my 'trigger food' are bananas, they have too much potassium in them. i wish you luck, as migraines really suck.  

-edited for some spelling
Darkwolfofice Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hospitals are so weird like that i mean my mom freakin broke her back in a car crash and the doctors sent her home without doing anything or even telling her!
thewarandgame Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Most of the hospitals down here are pretty much the same -.- There were still bruises left on my mother's arm the next week or so from the doctors always prodding her for blood. And let's not forget the medication they gave me. It had absolutely nothing to do with my condition at all. Deep down, I feel that it's another way to drain people's wallets. Ridiculous :no: But believe me when I say that I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm around most of the time after all :upset:
Cibana Featured By Owner Edited Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I which you the best and that you soon get a propper and effective treatment.
BIitzQueen Featured By Owner Edited Aug 16, 2014  Student General Artist
That's not good to hear! I hope you'll still be alive! I wish you good luck in the future!
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm still alive.
Otherwise I wouldn't be posting XD
BIitzQueen Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Student General Artist
I meant in the far future, but it's good to see that you're still alive now!
ARTHUR38 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014


:D (Big Grin) 
Greystar2000 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Daaaang, I hope you get better! I haven't had migraines but I hear they suck.
best of luck to you, good deviant!
ThePurplefungus Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014
I've kind of understand about your talking about. i was recently diagnosed with IBS and sometimes its hard to sleep at night because my stomach keeps acting up combined with random diarrhea attacks. I know my condition is nothing compared to yours but you know.

"Nevur give up"
Nunsong-I Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I really ope you get your treatment soon Waaaah!  ! You've been so patient, they should know what you're going through now :( (Sad)  Stay strong! *hugs*
Bluesoul1 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so sorry about all that, and understand you so much as a patient of migraine too. Only thing I can do so far is pray for you and send you some positive energy  since I'm so far.  I hope you get the treatment soon!
TheEnderMelody Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Sorry about you.Youre special to me,you gave me my first llama.Hope youl be better fast as bolt.I better stop writing this cause im starting to make jokes right now and this story isnt funny!I hate when i try to turn someones car crush or accident to joke.Rage 
Duncord Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  Professional Writer
I'm sorry for what you're going through right now, I hope you feel better, and fast. :cry:
Xosonu Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hope you will get better :c Try to have some rest - maybe you got brain damage, or some sort of concussion. It would be better if they would've let you go at least in a month. *pats DamaiMikaz on the back*
Stettafire Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope you feel better soon. There isn't really much I can say except that sometimes when you think today is the worse day of you're life, hey, you're probably right. But, there will be better days, where you feel happier and eventually when the whole world looks dark. Eventually, the sun will sine again. Don't give up. Giving up dosn't make it any better. 
TheAncynt Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sick for 2,5 years now... and those waiting list make me even sicker..
AbiThePerson Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Omg I'm so sorry!! I wish I could help :(
shaldaya Featured By Owner Edited Jul 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Here is to all of us with damaged brains. I don't mean to sound apathetic but this really pisses me off. Brain fuck has already kept me from doing what I enjoy and your art has for a long time been an inspiration and kind of a condolence to me (fan girl moment) but to hear that brain fuck has gone out and done it to one of my inspirations as well... seriously when does it end? Best of luck tackling your brain fuck.
Neonmoon133 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Student General Artist
I pray you feel even a little bit better soon, I hope good things come your way :pray:
GreatMasterofChibis Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww I feel so terrible for you. 
I wish I could help you somehow. 

^^ you will get better soon, I know you will. 
ofmythandsky Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
My heart goes out to you, Damai... I understand being at the mercy of other peoples' waiting lists with no answers. While I may not be going through your pain, I send many positive energies out to you in hopes that things will improve very soon.
Aerilita Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can't help you with anything except sharing my techniques. My problem wasn't an untreated concussion, but still brain damage. So what can help:
1. Lots of sleep. Not sure if you can afford 10 hours of sleep daily, I can't always, but when I can, I feel a lot better.
2. Heavy duty vitamines of the B group. I'm using Neuromultivit, but I'm not sure what your local analogue would be, ask your drugstore. No prescription required, follow the instruction.
3. Vitamine E, in neurological dosage. (Depending on what the purpose is it's recommended in different amounts, but still the same meds). No prescription required, follow the instruction.
4. Vinpocetine-containing meds (Mine's called Cavinton). Don't take more than 10mg at once, can make you dizzy. But really, just follow the instruction. Also no prescription required.

Should be taken in courses, not just when the fit strikes. Provided you don't have
contra-indication, of course.
None of those are painkillers or actively working to relieve the spasms of the blood vessels, so you still need your separate medication for that.

Make sure you're not cutting your nutrients, and that your blood sugar doesn't fall low. Hypoglicemia can provoke headaches, and when you get a headache, even unrelated to your initial problem, a migraine usually doesn't hesitate to join. Also, your brain is using up the nutrients to repair the damage, so make sure there's a steady supply. Dieting (if you do any) can wait. Stay hydrated, as well.

Also, you might want to get a portable blood pressure meter. Compare your bloodpressure when you feel well (that's your normal one) to what you have when the headache hits, and then talk to your local doctor about it, they might come up with something that eases the fit.

Hope anything of this helps. Migraines are a nightmare.
TheCreativeJenn Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
It is ironic that motivational people can't motivate themselves, but it is the outcome of reality too...for a long time since I have become separated from who used to be my amazing husband, I have felt a part of me die, my love for art strengthen, but my health begin to decrease with the motivation I'm able to feed myself.

It's a lot easier for people to say, "Everything will be alright." and "I completely understand your frustration...", but why not embrace what they say and come to the realization that your pain and suffering isn't yours alone?

We're in this together, and we will continue to have each others helping hand to conquer the gloomy days. You're never alone, DamaiMikaz - I can promise you that.
LadyElasa Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I totally understand what you're going through. My problem may not be physical, but it seems like I'm hitting roadblock after roadblock trying to jump start my career as well as having to deal with the drama of social life and my work that's slowly trimming off my hours or giving hours at times that interfere with my writing career. So I feel like I just can't get ahead. And sometimes you can't motivate yourself. I've been at a low spot since I got yet another rejection on a holiday last week. But this won't last forever. Your art is great despite what you think (trust me I'm the biggest critic on my own stuff so I know the feel). You'll get through this and it'll make you a better person and encourage others. :) 
xxLonelyStarx Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014
I really hope you'll feel better soon, and you have all reasons to be frustrated about things because you have reasons for it! Hope you get well soon! 
MoonyMina Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm really sorry to read about your health issues and, most of all, your problems with slow administration... I really do hope it's gonna be better soon

*big hug*
nocturnaliss Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're allowed to not find the strength to motivate yourself, you know. It sounds like you have MAJOR reasons to feel like crap.

I can only wonder: have you tried looking towards another country for help (providing of course that your health insurance would cover that)? I don't know where in Holland you are, but there's Belgium and Germany next to you... couldn't you get treatment there? It's probably a longshot idea, but that's all I can think about.

I hope this gets sorted out quickly. Considering you've had a concussion, it's even more surprising it's taking so long for you to be helped.
RegiWhite Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014
I understand life may be sucking, lie doesn't let people like us give up just cause we are miserable. We can't go just when we are the string people hold on to in life to stay sane,
What I'm saying is don't give up because you want too. That is not ever a option. But i hope you get well soon. I am not saying draw, nor type. but give a "Hey I'm doing better" once in a while. We want to know if your healthy or not. Plese understand  I wantbetter so the worldbe blessed with your precense (idk how to spell, sorry). Now for random typing to enlighten any readers  with random letters. dhgjkygvhshrgbbjbvh.

RattyRandy Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
One of my daughters went through a similar situation for the past 10 years.  We all tried to inspire her, told her things will get better, but when you're in the pit of despair it is so very hard to see any light at then end of the tunnel.  Whenever something positive happened in her life another negative would be there as well.  Never seeming to get ahead, no end in sight, nothing left to try.  She saw many doctors for her health and social issues but there appeared to be more problems than doctors.  The medical profession is a tough one, so many more people than doctors.  I believe most of them care but when there appears to be an endless lineup how do they get to everyone in the manner they should? Having said that, I have fired many a doctor and I think we are at least on Doctor #15 with my daughter. Perseverance, dedication to oneself, the one person you should never to give up on is you.

I do hope there is a light for you soon, I believe you deserve it.  Please try not to worry about people surpassing you in art. You don't need that added pressure right now. As I tell my daughter; Be kind to yourself, there is enough damage being done by forces outside your control, don't add to it.

Take care and I hope there is some light coming your way soon.
Lucstanfa Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Student General Artist
I pray you get to feeling better. Its a shame to see such a talented artist fall behind all because of bad luck. Keep in mind that nothing lasts forever :) hope to see you back in action real soon!
kaipur Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Filmographer
I think it's a symptom of the medical profession worldwide. Doesn't matter where you are, they pretty much suck. Sorry you're going through that and hope your wait isn't much longer.
flutist Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Professional General Artist
take it slow, everyone have their own pace, hurry thing wont give you speedy recovery (the same as hurry things wont give people fast improvements) keep your mind positive or better... don't think too much, so your brain can regenerate.

We all pray for you to get well soon :D
LuckyGuy16 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
It's going to be okay.
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