Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:icondamaimikaz: More from DamaiMikaz

More from deviantART


Submitted on
July 2
Submitted with Writer


16,609 (45 today)
165 (who?)
Nope, this isn't the kind of motivational stuff you'll usually read from me.
I couldn't find the power to motivate myself today. Nor yesterday, or the day before.

The truth is; I'm doing badly. Very badly.
As some of you know I've already been having serious health problems for a while.

It all started in the first week of January, with a car crash. Another car hit mine from behind on the highway. My car was totally damaged and I was taken to the hospital for a checkup because my neck felt a bit weird. Initially everything was fine, I thought. The test proved no bones where broken. The insurance company paid up for my car (luckily -- it was very expensive). And I was allowed to go home. I did feel sick for the first few days after the accident, but I thought of it as stress, took a few aspirins, and went back to work the next Monday after that.
The first days at work were horrible. My head hurts, I felt dizzy and had a hard time focusing on my work. But again; I thought it was just stress and went on. When I kept being tired (sleeping for 12+ hours a day) and the strange feeling in my head stayed, I went to the doctor again. He told me such a thing was pretty much normal after a car accident and it would go away by itself in 3 months.

So I waited for about 3 months... and that was basically when the migraine attacks kicked in. 
The first attack was 3 days. They would come at intervals. So I would have a few good weeks before another attack. But the attacks would keep getting longer and the intervals shorter. So eventually I had attacks that lasted 2 weeks and then had 2 weeks to recover again before the next sequence. 

I went to the doctor again. Told the whole story. Told him to do something, and got redirected to the rehabilitation at the hospital.
I had an appointment with the doctor there, that could basically explain most of my symptoms, including the migraines. As it seems now, I had a serious concussion after the accident, and it wasn't such a smart idea to go back immediately and work 8 hours straight. The doctors at the hospital apparently knew so. So why they send me back home without telling me that..? I haven't got the faintest clue. 
The end of story was that there was a rehabilitation treatment, and that it would help. I was already glad there was such a thing, since I'd already tried a lot of other stuff. It would even be covered by my insurance (thank god, I pay so much already!!!). But the problem was; it takes a while because there's a waiting line. And that's basically what I'm currently doing. Waiting. My whole life feels like it's put on hold.

I've been on that queue since last April, and I'm still waiting for a treatment.
After one of the later migraine attacks, I stopped working full time. My body was so tired that I couldn't handle 40 hours a week anymore. I'm now at 15, when not having migraine. I tried several medication to suppress the migraine attacks. So many that I already forgot the names (who thinks up those horrible names anyway). The first 2 didn't affect me at all. The 3rd made me rush to emergency post since my blood pressure dropped to far due to side effects. And the one I'm currently taking has serious side effects but at least seems to chop 3 to 4 days of from my 2-week attack sequence... so I'm keeping with that one.

It's been half a year since the accident now. And to be honest; I'm getting desperate.
I can't understand how one can live in a welfare country, be good law-abiding citizen, have a decent health insurance... and still there's nobody that even remotely tries to help or speed things up. I've called the hospital again this morning. It took me 2 attempts and 45 minutes of pure bureaucracy to find out that they still don't know how long it's gonna take, and I wonder if they could even remotely care. Because it's summer and people have holidays and whatnot -- seriously... f*ck them! I'm pretty much done with trying to understand their situation all the time when they don't even try to understand mine.
I've asked my health insurance to check out other hospitals. Turns out all hospitals in my environments have such waiting lines for those treatments. Asked health and safety officer from my work (I assume they want me up and running a.s.a.p.) but he didn't have any options either. I've already taken many routes, but there isn't a single one that leads to faster treatment (probably unless you throw a million or two at them).

As for art; I feel pretty much uninspired lately.

I don't know if it's the attacks, the medication, or the fatigue that comes with them... but I don't feel like creating that much. I usually enjoy to do digital art, but I can't lately even bother to get up and look at the screen because it feels like it's burning my eyes. My mind is a like a sieve lately. I'm forgetting everything. And that doesn't make it that fun to learn new things and to experiment -- I already have a hard time remembering what I ate yesterday. The art events I usually go to are pretty much out of the question. I'm too tired to travel. It's even worse than I thought, considering the last convention took me out for 3 days, and I didn't quite expect that. So for those that wonder if I'll be at any upcoming conventions; no, I won't.

It's hard to see people surpass you on every front... and I sure see all kinds of people surpassing me lately. People that get really good at art, get features, DD's, fame --you name it. And while I realize they got there fair and square with hard work and determination, it's pretty much frustrating for me. Because I feel like I've been working my ass off lately, but I'm barely able to keep myself standing as bad luck pretty much slaps me in the face all the time.

People tell me to keep positive.
Well, believe me. Even the most optimistic person is gonna have a hard time staying positive when it's life is just reduced to sequences of crippling headaches, and senseless waiting of the bureaucracy of the medical world. Or at least; I have. I'm done with it.

I realize it's kinda ironic that the writer of the usually motivating journals can't motivate herself. But so be it.
And if you want to draw a wise lesson from this anyway; don't try this at home.
Add a Comment:
Xosonu Featured By Owner 1 day ago  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Hope you will get better :c Try to have some rest - maybe you got brain damage, or some sort of concussion. It would be better if they would've let you go at least in a month. *pats DamaiMikaz on the back*
Stettafire Featured By Owner 2 days ago  New member Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hope you feel better soon. There isn't really much I can say except that sometimes when you think today is the worse day of you're life, hey, you're probably right. But, there will be better days, where you feel happier and eventually when the whole world looks dark. Eventually, the sun will sine again. Don't give up. Giving up dosn't make it any better. 
TheAncynt Featured By Owner 4 days ago  New member Professional Artisan Crafter
I'm sick for 2,5 years now... and those waiting list make me even sicker..
AbiThePerson Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Omg I'm so sorry!! I wish I could help :(
shaldaya Featured By Owner Edited 5 days ago  Student General Artist
Here is to all of us with damaged brains. I don't mean to sound apathetic but this really pisses me off. Brain fuck has already kept me from doing what I enjoy and your art has for a long time been an inspiration and kind of a condolence to me (fan girl moment) but to hear that brain fuck has gone out and done it to one of my inspirations as well... seriously when does it end? Best of luck tackling your brain fuck.
Neonmoon133 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Student General Artist
I pray you feel even a little bit better soon, I hope good things come your way :pray:
GreatMasterofChibis Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww I feel so terrible for you. 
I wish I could help you somehow. 

^^ you will get better soon, I know you will. 
Flagged as Spam
ofmythandsky Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Student General Artist
My heart goes out to you, Damai... I understand being at the mercy of other peoples' waiting lists with no answers. While I may not be going through your pain, I send many positive energies out to you in hopes that things will improve very soon.
Aerilita Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Can't help you with anything except sharing my techniques. My problem wasn't an untreated concussion, but still brain damage. So what can help:
1. Lots of sleep. Not sure if you can afford 10 hours of sleep daily, I can't always, but when I can, I feel a lot better.
2. Heavy duty vitamines of the B group. I'm using Neuromultivit, but I'm not sure what your local analogue would be, ask your drugstore. No prescription required, follow the instruction.
3. Vitamine E, in neurological dosage. (Depending on what the purpose is it's recommended in different amounts, but still the same meds). No prescription required, follow the instruction.
4. Vinpocetine-containing meds (Mine's called Cavinton). Don't take more than 10mg at once, can make you dizzy. But really, just follow the instruction. Also no prescription required.

Should be taken in courses, not just when the fit strikes. Provided you don't have
contra-indication, of course.
None of those are painkillers or actively working to relieve the spasms of the blood vessels, so you still need your separate medication for that.

Make sure you're not cutting your nutrients, and that your blood sugar doesn't fall low. Hypoglicemia can provoke headaches, and when you get a headache, even unrelated to your initial problem, a migraine usually doesn't hesitate to join. Also, your brain is using up the nutrients to repair the damage, so make sure there's a steady supply. Dieting (if you do any) can wait. Stay hydrated, as well.

Also, you might want to get a portable blood pressure meter. Compare your bloodpressure when you feel well (that's your normal one) to what you have when the headache hits, and then talk to your local doctor about it, they might come up with something that eases the fit.

Hope anything of this helps. Migraines are a nightmare.
Add a Comment: