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Nope, this isn't the kind of motivational stuff you'll usually read from me.
I couldn't find the power to motivate myself today. Nor yesterday, or the day before.

The truth is; I'm doing badly. Very badly.
As some of you know I've already been having serious health problems for a while.

It all started in the first week of January, with a car crash. Another car hit mine from behind on the highway. My car was totally damaged and I was taken to the hospital for a checkup because my neck felt a bit weird. Initially everything was fine, I thought. The test proved no bones where broken. The insurance company paid up for my car (luckily -- it was very expensive). And I was allowed to go home. I did feel sick for the first few days after the accident, but I thought of it as stress, took a few aspirins, and went back to work the next Monday after that.
The first days at work were horrible. My head hurts, I felt dizzy and had a hard time focusing on my work. But again; I thought it was just stress and went on. When I kept being tired (sleeping for 12+ hours a day) and the strange feeling in my head stayed, I went to the doctor again. He told me such a thing was pretty much normal after a car accident and it would go away by itself in 3 months.

So I waited for about 3 months... and that was basically when the migraine attacks kicked in. 
The first attack was 3 days. They would come at intervals. So I would have a few good weeks before another attack. But the attacks would keep getting longer and the intervals shorter. So eventually I had attacks that lasted 2 weeks and then had 2 weeks to recover again before the next sequence. 

I went to the doctor again. Told the whole story. Told him to do something, and got redirected to the rehabilitation at the hospital.
I had an appointment with the doctor there, that could basically explain most of my symptoms, including the migraines. As it seems now, I had a serious concussion after the accident, and it wasn't such a smart idea to go back immediately and work 8 hours straight. The doctors at the hospital apparently knew so. So why they send me back home without telling me that..? I haven't got the faintest clue. 
The end of story was that there was a rehabilitation treatment, and that it would help. I was already glad there was such a thing, since I'd already tried a lot of other stuff. It would even be covered by my insurance (thank god, I pay so much already!!!). But the problem was; it takes a while because there's a waiting line. And that's basically what I'm currently doing. Waiting. My whole life feels like it's put on hold.

I've been on that queue since last April, and I'm still waiting for a treatment.
After one of the later migraine attacks, I stopped working full time. My body was so tired that I couldn't handle 40 hours a week anymore. I'm now at 15, when not having migraine. I tried several medication to suppress the migraine attacks. So many that I already forgot the names (who thinks up those horrible names anyway). The first 2 didn't affect me at all. The 3rd made me rush to emergency post since my blood pressure dropped to far due to side effects. And the one I'm currently taking has serious side effects but at least seems to chop 3 to 4 days of from my 2-week attack sequence... so I'm keeping with that one.

It's been half a year since the accident now. And to be honest; I'm getting desperate.
I can't understand how one can live in a welfare country, be good law-abiding citizen, have a decent health insurance... and still there's nobody that even remotely tries to help or speed things up. I've called the hospital again this morning. It took me 2 attempts and 45 minutes of pure bureaucracy to find out that they still don't know how long it's gonna take, and I wonder if they could even remotely care. Because it's summer and people have holidays and whatnot -- seriously... f*ck them! I'm pretty much done with trying to understand their situation all the time when they don't even try to understand mine.
I've asked my health insurance to check out other hospitals. Turns out all hospitals in my environments have such waiting lines for those treatments. Asked health and safety officer from my work (I assume they want me up and running a.s.a.p.) but he didn't have any options either. I've already taken many routes, but there isn't a single one that leads to faster treatment (probably unless you throw a million or two at them).

As for art; I feel pretty much uninspired lately.

I don't know if it's the attacks, the medication, or the fatigue that comes with them... but I don't feel like creating that much. I usually enjoy to do digital art, but I can't lately even bother to get up and look at the screen because it feels like it's burning my eyes. My mind is a like a sieve lately. I'm forgetting everything. And that doesn't make it that fun to learn new things and to experiment -- I already have a hard time remembering what I ate yesterday. The art events I usually go to are pretty much out of the question. I'm too tired to travel. It's even worse than I thought, considering the last convention took me out for 3 days, and I didn't quite expect that. So for those that wonder if I'll be at any upcoming conventions; no, I won't.

It's hard to see people surpass you on every front... and I sure see all kinds of people surpassing me lately. People that get really good at art, get features, DD's, fame --you name it. And while I realize they got there fair and square with hard work and determination, it's pretty much frustrating for me. Because I feel like I've been working my ass off lately, but I'm barely able to keep myself standing as bad luck pretty much slaps me in the face all the time.

People tell me to keep positive.
Well, believe me. Even the most optimistic person is gonna have a hard time staying positive when it's life is just reduced to sequences of crippling headaches, and senseless waiting of the bureaucracy of the medical world. Or at least; I have. I'm done with it.

I realize it's kinda ironic that the writer of the usually motivating journals can't motivate herself. But so be it.
And if you want to draw a wise lesson from this anyway; don't try this at home.
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:iconthemisthunter:
TheMistHunter Featured By Owner Edited Oct 15, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I realize you posted this a while ago, but I do have a suggestion if you get desperate. I realize your issues are totally different from my many health issues I've had in the past (eczema to the point I had bloodly feet unless I took meds, dairy intolerance that kept me up 24 hours straight with horrible cramps, animal allergies and lots of other issues), but I found a doctor in NY that you call over Skype and she's cured me of all my issues to-date. I've only been using her methods for a year now and I'm almost completely healed.

I feel very sorry for you and your condition, so I'm only posting this because it's worked for me. Here's her website: joettecalabrese.com/ and you can read her story here: joettecalabrese.com/personal/ if you want to get a basic idea of what all she can treat. I realize you're not in the US, but because you can be anywhere in the world to get her consults since it's over Skype. The first one is free so you can ask her all the questions you need to before starting the treatment and so you're able to find out if she's able to treat you.

I wish you the best! :)
Reply
:iconxxmisery66xx:
xXMisery66xX Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm so sorry, and hospitals can be dicks. Trust me I have a screwed up pinkie and two knees thanks to some "rehabilitation".
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:iconholleeb:
HolleeB Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
I really hope you can get better soon. I have suffered from migraines and they are horrible. To have one for more than a week must be unbearable, and all health places are often closed to most people, I have severe anxiety and they would not even help me, so I really feel for you. Sometimes simple things can help you get through it though, so look out for things you may want to do that will not hurt. 
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:iconfai-kwan:
fai-kwan Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014
Please be okay, I enjoy reading your diaries and if anything happens to you my heart will probably grow a lot colder than it already is.
Please be okay...
Okay?
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:iconalluundratechgoddess:
AlluundraTechGoddess Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Believe it or not I understand completely. I have suffered from Migraines my entire life. When you are in that much pain it is physically and emotionally wearing. The medicine changes I know too well as I was on one that also dropped my blood pressure too low. Had an eye exam to see if certain nerves were inflamed or abnormal to see if either my brain had a tumor or thought it had one causing a surplus of fluid to build up. No, I do not. I also suffer from hyper-sensitivity which means I can hear a pin drop in a crowd, lights are brighter than normal and taste is overwhelming causing me to gag. Add to that spinal damage and degenerative disk disease and it is a recipe of pain and misery. Positivity has never been a strong suit for me, but realism has. I have developed a rather morbid sense of humor. For example having to stick my finger in my childs mouth to move his tongue for a swallow study I turned to the nurses and said "Well if he bites my finger off I am already at the hospital" There is no words, gestures or comfort from people because they don't get it. They don't understand the pain of seeing yourself decay in ways that only you know of. The can't perceive that while others are getting better, your pain and suffering is causing you to fall further from your prior status of talent and it is hard to watch someone else do what you were capable of and accomplished. It is hard to go backwards and have to hit bottom and yet the fall doesn't stop. The hope of relief the thoughts of not hurting anymore. I get it. That is where I am. I find little inspiration and more reasons to sink further when I look for it. I too went offline. Quit going anywhere and basically became immobile. What helped the most was spending 20 minutes outside. Yes I just sat on the porch in the back where noone could see me or my suffering but I was outside. I did not feel or see the top of my tiny box filled with misery. I truly hope you get treatment and I hope that both of our waiting lists shorten soon.
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:iconpainterkitten:
PainterKitten Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  New member  Digital Artist
I am sorry, I hope you are feeling better soon
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:iconsk8tcher:
Sk8tcher Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014
Have you tried something called bio-freeze? Peppermint lotion or oils? I hope this is any help to you. I wish you well and happier days. 
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:iconfreddy521:
Freddy521 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Student Writer
Is this in america. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT OBAMACARE WAS FOR! feeling sorry for you. would donate, but i gave my two points to someone else.
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:icondamaimikaz:
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I live in the Netherlands
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:iconfreddy521:
Freddy521 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Student Writer
Oh. Any free healthcare?
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