Nope, this isn't the kind of motivational stuff you'll usually read from me.
I couldn't find the power to motivate myself today. Nor yesterday, or the day before.
The truth is; I'm doing badly. Very badly.
As some of you know I've already been having serious health problems for a while.
It all started in the first week of January, with a car crash. Another car hit mine from behind on the highway. My car was totally damaged and I was taken to the hospital for a checkup because my neck felt a bit weird. Initially everything was fine, I thought. The test proved no bones where broken. The insurance company paid up for my car (luckily -- it was very expensive). And I was allowed to go home. I did feel sick for the first few days after the accident, but I thought of it as stress, took a few aspirins, and went back to work the next Monday after that.
The first days at work were horrible. My head hurts, I felt dizzy and had a hard time focusing on my work. But again; I thought it was just stress and went on. When I kept being tired (sleeping for 12+ hours a day) and the strange feeling in my head stayed, I went to the doctor again. He told me such a thing was pretty much normal after a car accident and it would go away by itself in 3 months.
So I waited for about 3 months... and that was basically when the migraine attacks kicked in.
The first attack was 3 days. They would come at intervals. So I would have a few good weeks before another attack. But the attacks would keep getting longer and the intervals shorter. So eventually I had attacks that lasted 2 weeks and then had 2 weeks to recover again before the next sequence.
I went to the doctor again. Told the whole story. Told him to do something, and got redirected to the rehabilitation at the hospital.
I had an appointment with the doctor there, that could basically explain most of my symptoms, including the migraines. As it seems now, I had a serious concussion after the accident, and it wasn't such a smart idea to go back immediately and work 8 hours straight. The doctors at the hospital apparently knew so. So why they send me back home without telling me that..? I haven't got the faintest clue.
The end of story was that there was a rehabilitation treatment, and that it would help. I was already glad there was such a thing, since I'd already tried a lot of other stuff. It would even be covered by my insurance (thank god, I pay so much already!!!). But the problem was; it takes a while because there's a waiting line. And that's basically what I'm currently doing. Waiting. My whole life feels like it's put on hold.
I've been on that queue since last April, and I'm still waiting for a treatment.
After one of the later migraine attacks, I stopped working full time. My body was so tired that I couldn't handle 40 hours a week anymore. I'm now at 15, when not having migraine. I tried several medication to suppress the migraine attacks. So many that I already forgot the names (who thinks up those horrible names anyway). The first 2 didn't affect me at all. The 3rd made me rush to emergency post since my blood pressure dropped to far due to side effects. And the one I'm currently taking has serious side effects but at least seems to chop 3 to 4 days of from my 2-week attack sequence... so I'm keeping with that one.
It's been half a year since the accident now. And to be honest; I'm getting desperate.
I can't understand how one can live in a welfare country, be good law-abiding citizen, have a decent health insurance... and still there's nobody that even remotely tries to help or speed things up. I've called the hospital again this morning. It took me 2 attempts and 45 minutes of pure bureaucracy to find out that they still don't know how long it's gonna take, and I wonder if they could even remotely care. Because it's summer and people have holidays and whatnot -- seriously... f*ck them! I'm pretty much done with trying to understand their situation all the time when they don't even try to understand mine.
I've asked my health insurance to check out other hospitals. Turns out all hospitals in my environments have such waiting lines for those treatments. Asked health and safety officer from my work (I assume they want me up and running a.s.a.p.) but he didn't have any options either. I've already taken many routes, but there isn't a single one that leads to faster treatment (probably unless you throw a million or two at them).
As for art; I feel pretty much uninspired lately.
I don't know if it's the attacks, the medication, or the fatigue that comes with them... but I don't feel like creating that much. I usually enjoy to do digital art, but I can't lately even bother to get up and look at the screen because it feels like it's burning my eyes. My mind is a like a sieve lately. I'm forgetting everything. And that doesn't make it that fun to learn new things and to experiment -- I already have a hard time remembering what I ate yesterday. The art events I usually go to are pretty much out of the question. I'm too tired to travel. It's even worse than I thought, considering the last convention took me out for 3 days, and I didn't quite expect that. So for those that wonder if I'll be at any upcoming conventions; no, I won't.
It's hard to see people surpass you on every front... and I sure see all kinds of people surpassing me lately. People that get really good at art, get features, DD's, fame --you name it. And while I realize they got there fair and square with hard work and determination, it's pretty much frustrating for me. Because I feel like I've been working my ass off lately, but I'm barely able to keep myself standing as bad luck pretty much slaps me in the face all the time.
People tell me to keep positive.
Well, believe me. Even the most optimistic person is gonna have a hard time staying positive when it's life is just reduced to sequences of crippling headaches, and senseless waiting of the bureaucracy of the medical world. Or at least; I have. I'm done with it.
I realize it's kinda ironic that the writer of the usually motivating journals can't motivate herself. But so be it.
And if you want to draw a wise lesson from this anyway; don't try this at home.