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It's been a while since I've been actively online.
But even though temporary, it did changed my perspective on some matters.

It's weird how much the internet can become an influence, and how this process goes so unnoticed. At a certain point the countless voices of people around you blend into a continuous buzz. A buzz that you soon get so familiar with that you forget there was a life before it. I guess that's what social media does in general; creating a buzz. An artificial need for you to continuously be online and check your messages, because you might just miss something otherwise. Life, in general, has become so infused with the internet that it sometimes scares me. I'm part of the internet industry. Hell, I even made it my job! But even I sometimes find myself wondering where the time has gone that I could work on an artwork for hours straight, without feeling that creeping itch to check my messages. 

The last few weeks before the break, I've repeatedly felt bad about myself. Why? Basically because people told me I didn't meet their expectations, and I just happen to be a person that hates to fail expectations.

As a kid, I was happy to be creative. Even though I only made drawings for fun, making art was a nice way to spend time and it genuinely felt good to be always full of ideas. As I saw most of my classmates lose their childlike imagination as they grew older and their interests shifted, I used to take pride in the fact that such a thing never happened to me. As most of my classmates submitted to peer pressure, I still followed the voice from within. And until not too long ago, I thought that that was what being an artist was all about.

As of lately, I've gotten quite a view what is the art world is actually about. About the constant struggle from many people that all try their hardest to get one of the few jobs in art and the hostility that comes with that competition. How art school students, that are supposed to be taught to be open-minded and accepting towards all kinds of art, are often the ones that pass the strongest judgement. About that you don't mean shit as an artist, unless you have the job to prove that you have skills. And how hobbyist artists are regarded as inferior because they simply don't earn money and haven't got a thing to prove. 
Money. That's what it all about. Living on myself, I can honestly understand that, because having a career is important. As a web developer with 10 years of experience in the industry I'm the least person to tell you that there's no difference between "just messing around with html" and working in the industry. However, hobbyist or professional... we do have something in common. We both love websites. We share our love for the same thing. And that's something so important I cannot stretch it enough.

What this whole thing comes down to?
That many of the people I look up to and I'd love to learn from (often those with professional-level artwork) belong to the above group -- something that isn't exactly motivating. And as we are all influenced by the people around us it's hard to make art my way and follow my own feelings and instincts, when the internet collective tells me that I'm doing it wrong and that I should feel ashamed I put my talent to waste. (For those wondering; that was literally said to me.)

The strength of the internet --that everybody can say what he wants-- has also come to be one of it's major downsides. Downsides that even drove many famous artists to the brink of depression. 
It's hard to maintain a sense of "self" within the buzz of people continuously talking about you, your works, your characters, and what you could (or should) represent. I think anyone even remotely known on any place on the internet can confirm that with me. It's even harder when you're an artist and you need this sense of "self" in order to create. Because let's be honest; for most of us our vision of life is the sole reason we create. Or at least for me it is.

My health has slowly gotten stable over the last few weeks. I've seen some doctors, got a new medicine for the migraine attacks, and whatnot. I've been back to training fully again, which I guess kinda helps since the RSI-specific training also strengthens the muscles in my neck. I'm still waiting for the checkup at the hospital, though (Those waiting lists... seriously...). Some days are good, and I try to enjoy them as much as I can. Some days are terrible. I'm still tired pretty often. but it seemed to have stabilized a bit. I think a large part of the tiredness came from trying to force myself to keep up with everything, even while in miserable physical condition. And in that regard, I think taking my distance really helped. I realize now that I can't keep up and that it's not a shame to admit so.

I guess strict moderation is the answer in this case. The answer for shutting myself off from too much negativity. If people in real life talk shit about me, I'm not afraid to tell them to shut the hell up. So why shouldn't I be able to do the same online (by removing and blocking)? It's not like people that deliberately try hurt others have the right to complain about that. 

To conclude this (already too long) message I would like to show my thanks to the massive support that I've gained from the DeviantArt community during my break. It's heartwarming to see how many people out here actually bothered to show their support. Either via e-mail, Facebook, or via DeviantArt's private message system. Not people that I know in person, but also people that are complete strangers to me and just happened to learn about my hiatus. Thank you. Thanks a lot!

(Here are some of the kind messages that people send me (and I've already read -- there are still many more).

Thanks Hiatus2 by DamaiMikaz

At this moment, I still have 17.376 messages to catch up to (artworks excluded), from which 7500+ new messages and even more replies to... whatever stuff I made.
I still have to read the replies to my last journal to find out who the winner is from the previously announced "contest".

Hiatus Replynr by DamaiMikaz

There are a lot of things going for me at the moment;
Animecon is coming up soon. I'm currently in negotiation with Mangaschool about their schedules, but if everything goes right I might return doing a workshop there... or at least be at the manga-drawing stand there. Which will give you, Dutchies, a chance to say hello and make me help you out with your art. 

Dynamic pose by DamaiMikaz
(for those that were curious about the previous workshop, check the link behind the artwork above)

What also might be interesting, is my upcoming kiriban of 1.000.000 pageviews. I'm still doubting about the prize. It's gonna be either points or a head-shot drawing of your character. The choice is up to you. Whichever gets the most votes will do.

Uploading artwork might still take a while. I have a whole lot of sorting out to do. And as weird as it sounds; I still feel a bit insecure about publishing stuff online again and exposing it to an audience that is even more massive than the day I left. I guess it'll take a bit of time until that feeling is entirely gone. And even aside from that; I've got a lot of sketches and stuff to sort out.

Sketchdump January 2014 by DamaiMikaz

Having learned from previous experience, I'm taking my time to catch up.
So it might take a while before I'm fully operational again. In the meanwhile; please bear with me.

~ See you around!

TLDR version; I'm back

Crowned with chaos by DamaiMikaz
Add a Comment:
Mr-Glaceon Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm glad you're back, and feeling better. ;w; Trolls are so stupid, they're worth nobody's time, so I hope you feel much better about ignoring them too. I remember some research suggesting they all might be sadists doing it for fun, OMG. So the whole "Don't feed the trolls" thing makes a lot more sense to me now.
Stettafire Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Professional Writer
Agreed. If people need to be horrible to someone to have some fun in their life then truthfully it's them I feel sorry for, because they obviously have something wrong with their life. 
CraftedMusic Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Trolls are trolls. I hope your health and the trolling both get better. ^^
DarkRukia91 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I'm glad that you're back and feeling a bit better. This is a well written journal and it has a lot of truth. But you know, there are some people who do art for money, attention etc. and don't really care about it, even if they have no skill. It's funny they don't really get criticized but people who do art for passion and not for money always get disrespected about their art, even if they have skill. =/ Even professional artists sometimes get disrespected by their fans....
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Maybe they do get criticized but they just don't care :/
DarkRukia91 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I noticed a few do...but they act like they shouldn't get critiques =.= a lot of artists on DA tried that with some noobs (or fanboys that drew) and they just get cursed out and blocked.
Light-Lein Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am glad that you're back! :D But take it slow so you can recover completely :). I think it is really good that you take action against these negatively minded people! And I hope you can enjoy all the good and positive messages you get! Those have so much more value!
It is too bad that a lot in this world is only about money and not about passion, love, friendship etc. anymore! (I guess it never was about that for a lot of things.. :( ). Lets hope the view of many people will change one day and that they will be gratefull about the fact that we do love the same things and that we can enjoy it all together! :).

I wish you get well soon and hopefully we can see eachother soon!
Fuu-Star Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
Yay! You're back!!!! Missed you!
SinisterSugar Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Woohoo so glad ur back, damai! Ive really missed the intelligent voice of ur journals and beautiful art. ~hugs~ i know what u mean about things getting overwhelming. Just like candy, online can be poison too if overdosed. Its something anyone of note learns, true... But the important thing to remember is that ur own perception of ur art matters above any other and u have every reason to love and be proud of all the pieces u do :)
aichisendou17 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
am actually reading some of your journals right now... keep up the awesome job okay? :)
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I will :highfive:
aichisendou17 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
don't mind others opinion about you... we're all here for you... :)
fluffykitten44 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014
i love how you leave a TL:DR version at the end of your journals (granted i always read the whole thing) 
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Many people don't have time to read nowadays :D
fluffykitten44 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014
i have doubts that most people i know can read.
Southpawed-Skypirate Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome back! :D I look forward to seeing your artwork and reading your journals. :) 
DarkMewMewSun Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm standoffish about choosing art as my career. Dealing with competition, judgement, and "CrEaTiVitY?" isn't that appealing. I'm lucky enough to go to an art highschool (all they do is teach the basics again and again). Skill is all they look for. Not about expanding the mind, creativity, or offering alternative ways to express yourself to broaden your horizon. Looking forward, art looks like it is all about the money, career, or job. I'm constantly dealing with judgement at school about my art and how I'm not good enough. I stopped drawing at school altogether. That place is hell. I agree with and personally relate to everything you said about the artist part.

Don't stress about anything okay. I want you to feel well and be in tip-top shape soon. I really hope you physical condition gets better so you can enjoy ur life again. :iconcrazyblushplz: Your my favorite person on dA~ 
umbatman Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Professional General Artist
my dear, we had this chat before.
yes the industries suck and the art school critics often consider hobbyists not to be real artists, did da vinci need any certificate to prove he is an artist.

i worked in the industry to for various magazines and game companies.
now there were other traitional artists competing to.
i had the advantage, i don't just do conceptual art, i do loose character art, environment art and when these companies see i use cinema 4d, z brush and after effects.

that says what it needs to, these traditional artists are the real sell outs. i can tell you first hand no artist can say they get or got their dream job, i wnated to work on the batman arkham games but i won't get that chance.

what ever pays the bills. and you are right following your dreams is vital, end of the day coping other artists or doing the same work won't get you many jobs, being versatile and understanding what the client wants is very important.

i will give you an awesome example, recently i had to do a concept art, dtp (direct to print) on a warrior being sucked into hell, now i was up against a  traditional artist, well his compision was good but mine was better,
now i used 3d 2d and my own textures , they company took my work cause it was more on what they wanted, so now did the artists traditional skills save him...
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I totally understand how it works with the graphic industry and customer's needs. I've worked long enough as a graphic designer to understand that. Working for customers is okay, but left me mainly fulfilling. That's why, in the end, I chose to do IT rather than design, because I have a hard time on 'giving up' certain principles in art just because a customer doesn't like it.
umbatman Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Professional General Artist
i agree, that why i am here, my work and i am my own boss, no one can tell me,
"oh could you do this or  that"
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
And no changing things when you like them but the customer has bad taste XD
Grilby Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Welcome Back and good to hear your doing well, and i completely feel you on the negativity and people always raining on your Parade, its on of the reasons i actually stopped going out in public, stop taking photos and doing my poems and writing, and drawing, and all of the other fun things i loved, i jut bottled up and quit because i couldn't take it, its only recently that my fiance has said hey and resparked that interest and made me realize that i need to go out and be me and do all the zaney things i love, because if i cant be me and enjoy me then i cant do anything. lately ive been spending less and less time on gaming places and FB, and elsewhere and have been sitting down doodling or looking at new projects or going out on the town with her, and it feels much better.

I for one was disheartened to hear you had left after i had recently discovered you work , and the amazing progress and skills you have and have made, i for one have always struggled with finding the key to getting my brain to spit out what i want to my hand, and looked forward to reading your journals and seeing your atwork and really getting to know you bot as an artist and mentor, and i had hoped that you wouldnt become yet another casualty of the online world and the (as of the last few years) craptastic community of deviant art
MindlessInk Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Welcome back, hope to hear more from you soon. And yeah, it seems as art nowadays, either is regarded as only abstract and "meaningfull" paintings ( in which case if you draw characters, people think your childish) or "drawing is for kids".
I cannot understand that.
I also cannot understand how nowadays, "artists" arise from name and only painting squares on the canvas and calling the painiting black squares over white canvas, and having it worth lots of dollars. While there are artists that do actual art, both meaningfull and visual appealing (like yourself) with an actual logic construct. But thats just my opinion, i dont aprecciate abstract art, cause you can look at it and say my little sis could do that. Sorry for the rambling XD

Anyways, iam glad to hear from you mikaz, and that you are feeling better, and theres not only hate, but love aswell, and those of us, that care, are here to defend you and anyone that stands being hated and bullied for no reason but just because people like to hurt others.

Keep getting better and have nice day :D

squidge16 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely. Thanks for sharing.
HiTorus Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Excellent ;)
El-Pire Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
reijdias Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Muito  bom seus desenhos..
Eloylie Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014
you're awesome...^^ Try to believe in yourself and try not to be affected by the internet. I know its really hard, but keep on trying <3
BethZChronicler Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014  Student General Artist
Welcome back! I pray everything continues to go well for you
PandasWings Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014  Student General Artist
Welcome back! I look forward to seeing what you share :) 
doubleyah Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014   General Artist
Everyone needs a break now and then. I've been on break for about a year.
toupimero98 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
im happy to see that you're better now c: :iconyuihugplz: *sorry for the shitty english ><"*
Akanetto Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014  Hobbyist
Welcome back again! :hug:
Wish you all the bests, keep up all the things that you do and makes you happy! Stay strong! :heart:
satan-jnr Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Welcome back :')
VandrosVortex Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I haven't been here long so I won't be presumptuous enough to pretend I know you well, but your message touched me, as does you're art.... welcome back.
silvermonopoly Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for sharing this.
Heyriel Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Student Digital Artist
"About that you don't mean shit as an artist, unless you have the job to prove that you have skills. And how hobbyist artists are regarded as inferior because they simply don't earn money and haven't got a thing to prove. "
when the internet collective tells me that I'm doing it wrong and that I should feel ashamed I put my talent to waste."
...yeah. I'm just past 18, done with highschool and decided to go into IT instead of art to preserve drawing as a hobby/escape. What my aunt got to say to that? 'Yeah good because you can't make money there anyway but now why do you keep drawing at all, if your art is useless [because you don't make money with it]?' And in general how you can practically SEE the peoples initial respect for your artwork DISAPPEAR as soon as you mention that no, you're not taking money for it?!
Since when are the the fucking fine arts worth measured in cash value?? 

*breathes deeply to come back down* Anyway, it's good to hear that your back and feeling better!! :hug:
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
When people ask me why I'm still drawing, I ask them why they still play watch TV, or go out.
I enjoy neither of them, so to me they seem like a waste of time. I enjoy doing art instead.
The problem with that is that it just doesn't seem as socially acceptable.
InvisibleKing Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Don't bother too much with what the world thinks it destroys you from inside to outside, I'm in this kind of situation too but in reality, I'm nowhere close to 'what I should be' from my mother's vision and art shouldn't have it's place as an important thing in my mind. Just think about it a bit, if you are proud [ofc there's place for better] of you, at least a bit, and if you like what you are doing, what's the world's problem? Why does their negative opinion even matters? If ppl are talking bad about your art look at what they can do and think, they can't do what they expect you to do, they don't even try to reach that level, so they don't know how much work there is and that you can't just clap twice and become the best of the pros.
Think more about those who admire you and those who hate you uvu.

Also, good you're getting better, stay healthy <3
reegreeg Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I am so glad to hear that you're back and getting better~! 
I know it means nothing but I got so hella mad when I read about what people said to YOU - like, knowing that awful people who have to judge every little thing in the arting universe was bad enough but I never thought people would be insulting you; your art is hella amazing and please oh please keep making it! 
And I understand what you mean by the Internet Problem (I have started to capitalize it), however, I'm still glad that you are online - welcome back by the way - and...yeah! That's all from me, bye bye!
DarkPika-Sama Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
For starters, I'm glad to hear that you're back and that your health has been improving. It's always nice to hear that! :D

Reading this journal entry (and all of your entries) gives me comfort. I remember back in high school when I was trying to improve my drawing skills. I used to feel insecure because I would always compare my artwork to the others that I have seen and think that I might as well stick to writing. It didn't help that some of my friends would say I was doing something wrong. They were trying to help me and I was grateful but the insecurity stuck until I finally gave up. It wasn't until my senior year I started trying again and ever since then I have been improving, both in drawing and how I feel about it. Now, when I look at other people's drawings, instead of feeling insecure and thinking I would never reach to that level, I now think of that as my goal. For that, I thank you. Thank you for giving me and others like me that confidence. Never stop what you doing and don't stop believing what you believe in. As for what you said about art students being judgemental, there are still open minded artists and art school students out there. It's just a matter of looking and being observant.

I hope you are having a wonderful day and I wish you good health! :D
renkarts Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This whole journal was just beautiful! *tears up*
I'm so glad that you're feeling better~ owo 
But I totally agree about the whole unquenchable urge to sift through messages and emails, it's a massive problem in today's generation. I read a really fascinating research novel called "The Dumbest Generation" recently, and that apparently heightened media and internet usage is draining our abilities to concentrate as well as handicapping our brain's power to transport things from short to long term memory. Social media is a very odd thing, I agree. 

I hope you continue to feel alright! Take it slow sometimes, mmkay?
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm a bit skeptical about that kind of research.
There were many researches done on that kind of subject. Some of them said the current generation was dumber because they weren't able to focus as well. Others said that we had other skills since we were able to socialize far better than previous generations. Overall there can be said that our brain patterns didn't change so much. Before the internet information, people learned their stuff, and that was is. Today we don't save knowledge anymore, but we save where we can find it, since information has become a fluid and ever changing thing. I don't think this is necessarily bad. 
scarah245 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Student General Artist
Welcome back and keep producing wonderful art work.
Silberius Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Welcome back ! I really understand what you're saying about feeling insecure in art... Good to see you overcame this now. :) ! Take care of you, and keep producing good art ! :)
Lunaleaf Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
For every one person with hate to spread, there's another fifty who think they're off their rockers. I don't know you, but it shouldn't matter. Stay strong and do what you need to in order to get back on your feet again. Do what you love to do, not what they think you should. Take care, and get well soon.
AkUmA-987 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Student Writer
And so, you have come back, as promised.
Welcome back, old friend. Welcome back :3
sun-plowerxD Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yey!!! :happybounce: You're back! Welcome back, I really miss reading your journals and works. I'm happy that you're doing well Meow :3  WELCOME BACK ONCE AGAIN!
star-light22 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
oh well, when I was a teen i think that just as everyone used to be concerned about what others thinks of me, personally my art have always been priced but I find myself not being satisficed with my own art, I do believe the picture tells what i want it to tell but is the coloring and making it look nicer what gets me, im just not good at it, im a photoshop noob but i still try my best, you cant please everyone and the word knows it so feel proud that some people actually like your art the way it is and so I do.

Yea i get what you mean with the internet, for a lot of people those in the internet, online friends arent even real people or real friends which really pisses me off, i believe that regardless of the enviroment where people meets we just cant forget that who is at the other side of the monitor is a human being with feelings and can get hurt and when people critizises art they just forget about that fact though It is hard to tell when somebody is actually being honest about that they think or feel or they are just trying to be assholes cause they can do better or at least they think they can.

When I was little I used to want to be an artist until I learned that you just cant feed your family as an artist so i had to study a carrier and I take my art just as side personal projects and keep the idea of transmiting my "self"through my art cause else i just dont feel inspired, i think you get me, i rather do what I want instead of what others wants me or espects me to do is just theres not a compromise betweem them and me so they can shut the hell up!! lol.
vanboydart Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Very very well said. Yours in Art, Preston
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